remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
