Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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