He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
