im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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