I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
