Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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