all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
