i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This toilet bowl is my home.
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