You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
