What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
