just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Small penises have feelings too.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
