Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
