Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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