The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
