Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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