I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
