I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
