Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
