hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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