based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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