he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
