dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sober January is a disaster.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
