Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
