apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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