My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
