y did u give ur computer a hand job?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
