I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
