i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
