Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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