dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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