i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
