my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
