if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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