So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
