I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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