dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
