I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
