Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
