First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
