We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
