Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
