I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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