Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
