im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
