I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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