glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
