I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
