she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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