I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
