Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
