Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
