my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
