you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
