Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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